January 11, 2015 Thorin Oakenshield Didn’t Think This Through Posted In: Uncategorized

The interior of a silversmith’s shop in a village of Middle Earth. A Dwarf SMITH is sitting at a workbench, hammering and shaping a piece of jewelry. The door opens; KING THORIN OAKENSHIELD enters and approaches.

THORIN: Good news, brother! We’ve retaken the mountain. The kingdom of Erabor once again belongs to the Dwarves!

SMITH: Oh! That is good news. Well done! (goes back to shaping jewelry)

THORIN: So… you… you can return home now!

SMITH: I am home.

THORIN: What do you mean?

SMITH: Well, here’s the thing. My family and I are doing just fine right here. Got a nice little business going, grandkids just started school… (chuckles) I don’t think the wife would be too crazy about us picking up and starting over again.

THORIN: But… we will rebuild our kingdom!

SMITH: Okay… well, good luck with that, but I just spent the last 60 years building a life for my family here. Plus, we all kind of have some bad memories associated with that mountain. Fire-breathing dragon and all.

THORIN: We’ve slain the dragon! Smaug plagues us no more!

SMITH: Oh, so he was the last dragon in the world? They’re officially extinct now?

(THORIN thinks for a moment)

SMITH: You can guarantee there are no more dragons anywhere?

(THORIN looks away)

SMITH: Well, I guess even if you make that guarantee and you’re wrong, there aren’t going to be too many of us left alive to call you out on it, are there? (goes back to work)

THORIN: But… Erabor is your homeland!

SMITH: Right, and I appreciate that, and I’ll never forget where I came from. You know what else I won’t forget? The third-degree burns on my arm I got when a giant firedrake came to steal the obscenely vast pile of treasure your grandfather was inexplicably hoarding! (raises his voice) What was he saving it for? The price of gold hadn’t peaked yet?

THORIN: But I’ve pledged to share in the riches of our kingdom! I am not my grandfather!

SMITH: Sorry, you’re going to have to do WAY better than that. Look, I’ve busted my ass building this business, and I’m getting ready to retire and pass it off to my son. I’m a respected member of the community. Hell, I’ve even got a seat on the city council. A lot can happen in 60 years, dude. And you’re asking my family and I to leave all this behind… to do what? Work in the underground mines, hanging from cables, wearing those stupid candle helmets so we can dig for more treasure? God forbid we leave a single cubic inch of that mountain untouched, right?

THORIN: Erabor is the greatest kingdom-

SMITH: Maybe working construction, adding an extra wing to that already ridiculous treasure room? Perhaps install a swimming pool and fill it with gold coins? How ’bout that, Scrooge McDuck, will that satisfy you?

(THORIN purses his lips, exhales loudly)

SMITH: Tell you what. Why don’t you head back to that God-forsaken mountain, tell everyone I said hi, clean the cobwebs and batshit off your little throne, and enjoy sitting in the dark with your platinum chalices and your vitamin D deficiency.

(THORIN turns and storms out of the shop)

SMITH: And while you’re at it, tell your construction foreman to install some goddamn railings! Place is a serious falling hazard.

— END —

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1 Comment

  1. writingbolt • January 12, 2015

    What brought this on? :) It reminds me of a cable/internet TV commercial where the real world person interrupts the show he is "occupying" to move elsewhere. Reply

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