December 22, 2013 You’re Welcome for the Solstice. Posted In: Uncategorized

The days are now officially getting longer as the sun once again starts returning to its position higher in the sky. Good thing I tramped out into the ice and snow yesterday to sacrifice that bull to Orphomet, Bringer of Eternal Darkness, for another year. And you people have NEVER thanked me.

It’s not easy work, appeasing the celestial deities. First I have to cut into a rancher’s pasture and find a suitable sacrificial animal, which almost didn’t happen this year because I forgot my bolt cutters and had to go back for them. Then after ducking shotgun fire from pissed-off ranchers I gotta trudge the goddamn animal all the way out to the Sacred Earth Enclave, which doesn’t exactly have accessible parking. Then it’s on to the bloody business of the actual sacrifice, which is every bit as unpleasant as you might expect.

But hey, someone has to appease the mighty Underlord, right? Might as well be me. While you sip hot chocolate in a cozy Starbucks I’m freezing my ass off in the woods, elbow-deep in animal guts, spreading entrails onto the forest floor so I can read the annual Prophecy and secure the return of warm weather and ensure a bountiful harvest. A simple “Thanks, man” or a “Good job, buddy” once in a while wouldn’t go unnoticed.

Well I’ve just about had it. Maybe next year I’ll oversleep or just forget the whole endeavor, and you all can spend the following spring and summer shivering in eternal darkness while Ka’Shqol the Mighty Demon Worm crawls forth from His slumber and consumes everything in His path. Maybe then you’ll be like “Oh, why did we take John for granted?”

Pricks.

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